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Why do we feel so sad when people we don’t know die?
ASK A RESEARCHER: Many Norwegians are mourning the King as though he were a close family member. Why is that?
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Few Norwegians have met the King.
Some may have waved to him in the Palace Square on Norway's Constitution Day or shaken his hand during one of his visits to municipalities around the country.
A very small number of people may have sat at the same table as him during a gala dinner, and even fewer have exchanged words with him.
Almost none of the Norwegian public know him personally.
So why did some of us become so upset when he died?
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The researchers we have spoken to say that:
Our brains do not distinguish between real and indirect relationships.
Grief is intensified when more people are grieving.
We can form attachments to people we never meet.
We have an inner social world that is real to us, even if it is not real to others.
The King is important to many Norwegians, and he was seen as a source of support.
Not everyone feels grief, and that is perfectly okay.
Indirect relationships
"Generally speaking, famous people often have a psychological significance in our lives, even if our connection to them has been indirect," says Iren Johnsen.
She is a psychology researcher at the University of Bergen.
"We feel as though we know them through films, interviews, music, or social media," she says.
Johnsen explains that our brains do not make a precise distinction between direct and indirect relationships. Even though we may not know these people personally, we can still become emotionally invested in them.
That means we can experience a genuine sense of loss even when we never had a personal relationship with the person who died.
Emotions are intensified when more people are grieving
In the days following King Harald's death, large crowds have gathered outside the Royal Palace. They have laid flowers, candles, and messages in the Palace Square in honour of the King.
Some have also cried.
"When famous people die, there are often many people grieving. This can intensify the emotions," says Johnsen. "A cultural moment is created, and grief becomes a social process, not merely an individual one."
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We are good at forming bonds
Siri Leknes is a professor of psychology at the University of Oslo.
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She believes the main explanation is that we humans are so good at forming and maintaining social bonds.
"We can become attached to people we never meet, which says a lot about the human capacity to care," she says.
It may also have something to do with our cognitive empathy: our ability to intellectually understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, and perspective without necessarily experiencing those same emotions ourselves.
“If we hear that someone we went to primary school with is going through something painful, we may feel sad about it even if we haven't seen them for decades,” she says.
Leknes believes this is a sign of having a warm heart.
An inner reality
Leknes explains that most of us have what is known as an inner social reality. This means that the recently deceased King Harald, Dolly Parton, Tim Curry, or whoever it might be, may have been part of that reality.
Perhaps they have been present in your consciousness when major events occurred, or perhaps they have become part of your everyday life.
“We carry our inner social world with us throughout our lives,” says Leknes.
This also applies to relationships with people we do not have direct contact with, such as celebrities or people we went to primary school with.
There can therefore be very real relationships between us and another person, even if we have never actually met them.
Something special about the King
Both Leknes and Johnsen believe that King Harald has been an especially important person for Norwegians.
“He was incredibly unifying and likeable, and he became a symbol of Norway and who we are,” says Leknes.
“King Harald has also been important because he comes across as so genuine and so close to his people. He has shown himself to be a unifying presence in many difficult situations and events, and he demonstrates that he cares about the people who are affected,” says Johnsen.
She points out that he was good at putting things into words. He managed to normalise difficult topics.
For example, in his 2016 speech he said, 'Norwegians are girls who love girls, boys who love boys, and girls and boys who love each other,' and 'Norwegians believe in God, Allah, Everything, and Nothing.'
"King Harald is well liked and will be missed by his people," says Johnsen.
"In the world we live in now, it has been good to have leaders like him, someone you can trust," says Leknes.
Symbolises who we are
According to Johnsen, famous people often become symbolic to us. They represent values we admire, and they inspire us. This applies to music or films that have accompanied us through important periods of our lives, and it applies to the King.
"King Harald is a symbol of Norway and an incredibly stable and dutiful person," says Johnsen.
And perhaps that is how we like to think of ourselves as well? And perhaps that makes the loss feel a little greater.
"The King was a very unifying figure," says Leknes.
Not everyone feels grief
Not everyone becomes sad. For some people, it feels strange to be upset about someone they did not know, when the death affects neither their everyday life nor their emotional life.
And that is perfectly okay, according to Leknes.
“We have to accept that we don't have the same relationship with every person. And we should not question other people’s feelings,” she says.
For those who feel a profound sense of loss, the most important thing is to come together.
“We have many rituals when people die that are intended to honour those who have died and reflect on who they were,” says Leknes. These rituals help us move forwards without those who have passed away.
We do not simply want to carry on as though nothing has happened. That's why so many people are gathering at the Palace Square, according to Johnsen.
“It can be comforting to have the experience of showing that you care. And it can also be nice to feel that you are giving something back, such as leaving a message or a flower,” says Johnsen.
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Translated by Alette Bjordal Gjellesvik
Read the Norwegian version of this article on forskning.no
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