How does divorce affect adult children?
'Silver splitters' is the term used when older couples divorce. Researchers have now examined how this affects their adult children.
Published
Researchers know a lot about how children fare when their parents divorce and what helps them cope. Such as how shared custody works and maintaining contact with both parents.
But what happens when the divorce comes after the kids are grown?
How do they actually cope?
In Anne Grasaasen and Anne Søgnen Jensen's new study, five women share how the experience brought significant emotional and psychological stress.
'One of the pillars of life is sort of ripped out,' said one participant.
'I really felt like the roles were reversed. Now I had to sit and comfort my dad,' another recalled.
For many, it felt like a full-blown life crisis.
"Family is very important in Norway. And for many, it remains a safe haven throughout life. That sense of security is shattered when parents divorce, even for some adult children," Anne Grasaasen tells Science Norway.
More grey divorces
'Silver splitters' is the term used when older couples divorce.
These divorces are becoming more common, even as the overall divorce rate in Norway is declining.
For women in their late 50s, for example, the divorce rate rose from about 6 per cent in 2012 to 7.5 in 2022. This is an increase of 23 per cent, according to figures from Statistics Norway.
But what are the consequences of these grey divorces for adult children?
A family in chaos
“It felt like the whole family was falling apart and turning into chaos,” says Grasaasen.
She refers to what one of the participants in her study shared.
“The grief and existential questions that came after the parents’ divorce also affected their own ideas about marriage and long-term relationships,” she says.
Several of the interviewees had themselves gone through a divorce after their parents separated.
Caught in the middle
Silver splits were particularly painful when there was a high level of conflict between the parents. Adult children often felt trapped between their parents as they criticised each other and revealed negative things about one another.
For most, the divorce came as a surprise. Many had no idea the situation had become so strained.
"Some completely lost faith in relationships and began questioning whether their family life had been built on a lie," says Grasaasen.
Many were deeply worried about their parents and found themselves dragged into their disputes.
"For some of the women, the pain of the divorce lingered – even 15 years later," says Grasaasen.
Few participants
The study is qualitative and involved just five women, all between 29 and 55 years old. They chose to participate because they had all found their parents' divorce difficult.
This means their experiences are not representative of all adult children of divorced parents, and the study cannot determine how common such problems are.
Still, Grasaasen believes the study sheds light on some of the specific struggles these adult children face.
An American study from 2021 shows something similar. Participants found it emotionally difficult to adapt to the new family situation, their relationship with their parents suffered, and they questioned their own ability to manage romantic relationships.
Divorce has become normal
"Divorce has become common and widely accepted over recent generations," says Grasaasen.
According to figures from Statistics Norway, 37 per cent of couples who marry today will end up divorcing.
"But when it does happen, it still feels dramatic," says Grasaasen.
This, she says, is a paradox. The idea of family still holds great importance in Norway.
"Even though divorce is widely accepted, it still feels deeply dramatic when parents divorce," says Grasaasen.
Individuality has become important
Grasaasen has previously worked as a family therapist and counselor at the Learning and Mastery Centre for Children at Oslo University Hospital. She is now an associate professor at VID Specialized University.
"Research on silver splitters shows that individuality has reached all generations. We no longer stay in a marriage for the sake of others," she says.
"The final phase of life should be the way you want it to be," she says.
A unique insight
Jan Stokkebekk is a researcher and senior adviser at the Norwegian Directorate for Children, Youth and Family Affairs (Bufdir), Eastern Region. He is the editor of the journal where Grasaasen's study was published, and has therefore read it closely.
He believes the study offers a unique insight into how silver splits affect family life.
"Adult children are still their parents' children, with all the associated needs for recognition and connection," he says.
Because of this, they face many of the same dilemmas as younger children – such as being caught in the middle of their parents' conflict, hearing painful confessions, or watching one parent be cast in a negative light.
"On top of that, parents may expect their adult children to be there for them," says Stokkebekk.
Birthdays and Christmas
Stokkebekk points out that divorce later in life can hit especially hard. By then, parents might be less considerate of their behaviour and how it affects their adult children.
If they are unable to get along, everything from birthdays and holidays to Christmas celebrations becomes complicated.
"It can be challenging for adult children to explain to their own kids that only grandma will attend the birthday party, while grandpa will come for Christmas," says Stokkebekk.
He believes it becomes difficult for the adults to explain something to their children that they don’t fully understand themselves, or when they feel their parents are being unreasonable and they are easily triggered and irritated.
Finding a balance
So what can adult children do when their long-married parents suddenly split after 30 or more years together?
"The key is to find a balance between taking care of yourself – your own needs and boundaries – while also being mindful of your parents' need for support," says Stokkebekk.
He suggests creating a kind of 'state of emergency,' either short- or long-term, where special attention is given to the parent who was left, if needed.
"In the beginning, it may be wise to be patient, while also having conversations about this transition and what's important for you and your family, including your own children or grandchildren," says Stokkebekk.
"Let them know that you want to stay in contact with both parents and that you don't want to be drawn into their disputes about who's right or wrong," he says.
Family counselling services can help
When parents with young children consider separating, they can receive free help from family counselling services in Norway.
But many of these services no longer accommodate families with children over the age of 18.
This is an ongoing debate within Norway's Family Welfare Service, says Anne Grasaasen. She believes her study highlights how family relationships can be challenging at any age.
"Perhaps family counselling services should continue to be available to all generations and types of relationships, including couples who separate later in life and their adult children," she suggests.
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Translated by Alette Bjordal Gjellesvik
Read the Norwegian version of this article on forskning.no
Reference:
Grasaasen, A. & Jensen, A.S. Hvordan oppleves det å være voksent barn når foreldre blir skilt midt i eller sent i livet? (The Experiences of Adult Children When Parents Divorce in Mid- or Late Life), Fokus på familien, vol. 53, 2025. DOI: 10.18261/fokus.53.2.3
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