Many Pakistani men want gender equality, but it’s the mother-in-law who decides

Conservative, patriarchal, and oppressive towards women.

This is often the image we have of Pakistani men, according to Cecilie Mueenuddin.

She has lived in Pakistan for many years, where she conducted extensive fieldwork among the middle class in the city of Lahore.

Her study presents a different picture of Pakistani men than the one many people in the West have.

The dream that disappeared

One the people she interviewed was a young engineer.

When he got married, he wanted a modern marriage. He wanted his wife to work, for them to share the housework and childcare responsibilities, and to build a relationship based on love and friendship.

But when financial circumstances forced them to move from the big city into his extended family's home in his hometown, everything changed.

His wife became the only person who could care for their child. The mother-in-law had retired from childcare, and daycare was not a realistic option.

The man's dream disappeared. He was forced back into the traditional gender role he never wanted.

Fieldwork in Lahore

This story is not unique, Mueenuddin says.

In her PhD thesis, recently submitted to the University of Oxford, she conducted around 100 in-depth interviews with young men who either belong to the middle class or are on their way into it.

This is a growing group in Pakistan.

The middle class is estimated to make up around 20 per cent of the population, but many more aspire to become part of it, Mueenuddin explains.

“They often look to a small upper class with more money and a more Western lifestyle, where it's also more common for women to work,” she says.

Encountering new ideals in the city

Her interviews made it clear that change is underway in Pakistan.

“When young men move to the city to study, they encounter new ideas and lifestyles. They develop different expectations about marriage and their future partner. This often brings them into conflict with their parents,” Mueenuddin says.

At the same time, she emphasises that the city itself is not what creates these new attitudes.

The ideals spread through several channels: education, the internet and social media, as well as films and television.

Both international organisations and local women's and feminist movements also play an important role in promoting ideas of equality, Mueenuddin explains.

Cities nevertheless function as important hubs for this development. Education levels are higher there, and more people embrace new ideals. When young people move away from home to study or work, they also gain greater distance from family and traditional norms. This gives them room to change both their attitudes and lifestyles, which can lead to tensions with their family back home.

With increasing urbanisation, such conflicts are becoming more common, the researcher says.

A complex picture

Mueenuddin believes that a willingness for change is emerging in Pakistan, but that existing structures are working against it.

“Many people in the West have an image of Pakistani men as conservative patriarchs. But the picture is more complex,” the researcher says.

Most previous studies of Pakistanis have focused on villages and on topics such as extremism, violence, and political instability. The one study of Pakistan's middle class focused on conservative Muslims and their religious practices.

“The progressive part of society is almost invisible in the research,” Mueenuddin says.

Recognises himself in the research

Assad Nasir is a Norwegian of Pakistani descent, a teacher, and public commentator. He has written the book Kunsten å være pakkis (The art of being Pakistani).

Nasir recognises himself in Mueenuddin's description of the changes that are taking place in Pakistan, at least among younger Pakistanis in urban areas.

He believes, like the researcher, that many people in the West have an outdated view of Pakistani men.

“Much of what has been written about Pakistani men has been negative. It has dealt with masculinity in a way that portrays Pakistani men as oppressive. Research has focused on topics such as honour-related violence. As a result, the media coverage has followed the same pattern,” he says.

The mother-in-law holds the power

Many of the men Cecilie Mueenuddin interviewed want a different life from the one their parents had. They want a more equal and companionate marriage. Many also want their wives to have careers.

But when the couple has children and moves in with the extended family, problems arise.

“In practice, it's often the mother-in-law who decides how everyday life is organised,” Mueenuddin says.

If the daughter-in-law works, there is no one to take care of the housework, the children, and eventually the elderly family members.

The welfare state sets limitations

There are few alternatives. There are very few daycare facilities. Parental leave is short, and many jobs require extremely long working hours.

The ideal worker is still a man with a wife at home. If a woman is to compete for the same jobs, she is expected to work the same long hours.

Only around 23 per cent of women in Pakistan are employed.

Assid Nassis also sees the lack of a welfare state as an obstacle to gender equality and women's participation in the workforce in Pakistan.

“Social norms and values are still relatively conservative, even in the Pakistani middle class – and perhaps especially in the middle class. There is also no welfare state that enables women to participate in the workforce on an equal footing with men,” Nassis says.

Children talk about tired fathers

The consequences are also felt by the next generation. This is evident in texts that Mueenuddin collected from 100 schoolchildren in Lahore.

The students say the biggest challenge for men in Pakistan today is that women are not allowed to work.

“The girls write about fathers who are exhausted, stressed, and working overtime,” she says. “The boys see the same thing, but they also realise that this is the future that awaits them. How the responsibility of providing for the family rests heavily on their fathers' shoulders.”

Religion is not the main problem

Most of the men in the study describe themselves as religious. But religion does not necessarily stand in the way of change.

On the contrary, many use Islam as an argument for more equality, Mueenuddin explains.

“They believed that the Quran supports the idea that spouses should support and care for one other. This is often not how their parents' generation perceived Islam.Many therefore argued with their parents over these religious issues," she says.

Caught between ideals and family

The ideals that the young men had about a modern marriage were consequently difficult to live out in practice.

This also partly relates to finances, Mueenuddin explains.

“When people meet, marry, and have children, they cannot afford to live as a nuclear family. Most therefore move in with the extended families in order to maintain a middle-class lifestyle,” she says.

Within the extended families, men are expected to uphold the family's honour, which is called izzat.

“That includes maintaining the appearance of traditional gender roles,” Mueenuddin explains. “If a man has a wife who works, it can be interpreted as him not being able to provide for the family. That can weaken his social status.”

Reference:

Mueenuddin, C. Unlikely egalitarians: Muslim masculinities and marriage aspirations in the Pakistani middle class (Abstract), PhD thesis at the University of Oxford, 2025.

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Translated by Nancy Bazilchuk

Read the Norwegian version of this article on forskning.no

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