Few people regret something they did. Many regret what they did not do.
When researchers speak with people nearing the end of their lives, the answers they receive are surprisingly similar.
Troubled by missed opportunities
The dreams I never pursued. The talents I never got to use. The journeys I never took.
The relationships with other people that I let fade away.
Annonse
The decisions I was too afraid to make.
When death draws near and people are asked what they regret in life, many find themselves dwelling on what they left undone.
Few regret not spending more time at work.
Unresolved conflicts were the worst
"Yes, I recognise this from research we have done on palliative care," Per Nortvedt tells Science Norway.
He is a former nurse and now professor emeritus of medical ethics at the University of Oslo.
Palliative care focuses on relieving suffering and making the final stage of life as good as possible.
While actions often bring regret in the short term, missed opportunities tend to create deeper regret over the years.(Stock photo: HighwayStarz / Colourbox)
"In a research project I took part in, there was one thing the patients described as the very worst: Having to die while carrying unresolved conflicts with their loved ones," he says, adding:
"Seeing people struggle with such existential pain on top of physical pain that was already difficult to ease was one of the worst things I experienced."
One of the classic studies on regret near the end of life was conducted by researchers Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Medvec in the 1990s.
They found a clear pattern: in the short term, people tend to regret mistakes they had made.
But in the long term – when life is drawing to a close – regrets are far more often tied to missed opportunities than to mistakes.
People regret relationships they never dared to pursue.
They regret educational or career paths they never attempted.
They regret the love they never found the courage to express.
Annonse
Close relationships with others
The world’s most famous long-term study of human lives is the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Since the 1930s, it has followed people through nearly their entire lives.
Perhaps the most well-known finding from this study concerns the importance of close relationships for life satisfaction.
Per Nortvedt studies medical ethics at the University of Oslo.(Photo: University of Oslo)
Palliative medicine is not only about caring for people who are nearing death. Researchers in the field have also conducted interviews with dying patients.
Through these conversations, researchers observe how people often try to create meaning from their life experiences as they approach the end.
They evaluate their lives. They try to place their experiences into a larger context.
Money and status are rarely emphasised. Being successful or impressing others does not seem especially important.
Instead, people talk about their relationships with others. About connection. About love and purpose.
"Relationships with those closest to us become especially important," confirms Per Nortvedt.
Researchers do note that money mattered greatly to those who lacked it. Financial hardship can create years of stress and worry.
But once a person has achieved a reasonable degree of financial stability, money is rarely what comes to mind when death approaches.
This may involve reaching out to a family member, making lifestyle changes, or returning to interests that were set aside.
When a situation cannot be undone, however, it appears more important to learn to let go – to reinterpret the story of one’s own life.
Researchers have also found that older adults often seem better able to cope with regret than younger people, even though their regrets may be more intense.
Many older people are also good at focusing on what went well in life rather than dwelling solely on what did not.
